"When people fear the government, there is tyranny. When the government fears the people, there is more tyranny. Apologies to Thomas Jefferson!" -- Michael Rivero
"A rocket will never be able to leave Earth's atmosphere." -- New York Times, 1936
In a shocking turn of events, data analysts at Fox News have called the gubernatorial race in Arizona for Stacey Abrams.
"Yes, we are aware that Stacey Abrams isn't even running in Arizona, but we have top analysts working on this and the data does not lie," said Fox News polling expert Arnon Mishkin. "Stacey Abrams is your new governor. The election is over. You can all go home now. Goodnight!"
According to sources, Paul Pelosi was simply trying to enjoy a Subway sandwich in his underwear when another man in his underwear broke into his house and attacked him with a hammer.
"All I know is I was attacked by this MAGA Republican who is a registered member of the Green Party. Why would someone do this, especially right before the midterm elections?" said Paul Pelosi. "My only conclusion is that this must be a direct act of far-right political violence, as opposed to another crime committed by the rampant mentally ill."